Sunday, December 27, 2009

I've been clean for 10 days.

I've spent the last 7 months alternating between trying to stay clean and chipping. Everyone in my life believes that I have been completely clean for 4 months. This is a lie that I have used to shield myself from the negative consequences of using. I've rationalized it by telling myself that I am protecting those around me.

If my wife and family had found out that I have been actively chipping for 4 months, the consequences are very clear and real. The instant consequence is that I will no longer be able to stay living with my wife, for the 2nd time. I will not be allowed to stay at my parents or my siblings or friends. I will be homeless. In order to not be completely abandoned, I will only be able to contact my supports from a sober living facility (Like the one I was kicked out of for using 2 months ago - everyone thinks I got booted for breaking rules) or a treatment centre. I won't have a car. The long term consequence is that I will be putting the decision in regards to the future of my marriage solely in the hands of my wife. I will have to live in a group setting again, which I admit is very demeaning for myself.

I know that my family and wife will stick to this. They know that addiction is life or death and they are not willing to love me to death.

I also know that I cannot have it both ways. I cannot keep using and not have my life fall apart in the midst of my second chance at life. This is why I have made the decision to stop chipping and try something different.


  1. hey hoping you still check in here, Would love to connect I can relate with your struggles and I have no judgement. Hoping this finds you :)

  2. I hope things are good with you, whatever's going on by now...

  3. i wonder what happened to this guy.. so many people fall off the face of the blog world..

    sigh.. i used to let my dog run away so i could go look for her. (i was living in NY then)

    i trAINED my dog to run away to the bar down the street. a mile or two up the road.. i would look for her for hours while i sat on a stool with her next to me...

  4. god we play exactly the same game-everyone in my life thinks ive been clean for just as long but all it is is that my manipulation skills have gotten so much better-i dont lie to hurt tho, just to prevent all that drama and that fucking stigma