Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I've been clean for 5 days.

"This time I am serious". "Things have gotten so bad, if you get me out of this mess I'll never use again". "I am NEVER going through this again". "I'm going to write this down so I never forget how terrible I felt".

These are the types of thing I've said as an addict too many times to count. Usually not only to myself but to those around me who were cheering me on to make it. I'd think and utter these things in the days after having my drug use lead to a catastrophic situation.

The people around me had been hanging on, waiting in what I can only believe to be severe angst, for me to hit my bottom. They heard these words and clung onto them with the hope that this time it would be different. I was not being facetious or manipulative. I truly did not want the cycle of crisis -> abstinence -> drug use -> crisis to continue. The way this thinking would play out in reality is that I still wanted to use, but didn't want the negative consequences. Once the wreckage of whatever crisis I'd caused that led me to want out of drugs has been cleared, the negative consequences disappear like sleight of hand. My brain now tells me that it is safe to use.

Most of the people in my life have not given up hope. I'm not sure if this is because they really believe I can make it, or if it is self-preservation in the sense that they didn't want to admit that there was a chance I may be too far gone. They say they will support me in my recovery, but not in using.

I use until I hit a crisis, then vow to never use again and there they are to help me. I wonder if being hung out to dry by my loved ones for a good 9-12 months into recovery might not be a better option. If I decide to stop using, the sooner my life gets to bearable status, the sooner I am likely to start to think I can handle using again. Maybe its better if I have to learn to live with and for myself in early recovery.

Life is tough for each and every person. As an addict I believe in the fallacy that life should be easy, and when it is not, I deserve something or someone to bail me out. When I decide to get clean because life with drugs is too tough, I instantly start to lean on the people who I know want to help me get better, to get through the chaos of early recovery as easily as possible. I don't learn to appreciate that life is going to be hard sometime, and set myself up for failure when it does get hard.

1 comment:

  1. 5 days is better than I've ever done voluntarily!

    So all the best over Xmas and here's to a serene 2010